Today's chem spa was horrible. I just hope I would be able to do well in the real spa...and that's all that's gonna matter.

Attended piano ensemble's concert today too. Mum made me wear my new clothes to event, making me appear totally overdressed. I was almost blushing as i walked across the LT to get to my seat. Good thing amos and mervyn were there.

Angie and the rest are going out tmr. sighz. I guess they won't be counting me in huh. Anyway, i'll probably not torment myself with guilt any further..should just stay at home, have a good rest and also study. It's surprising how 3 months is all it takes to change things. I used to call angie my "darling". but nowadays, I hardly talk to her anymore. Now it's about the family of sheep. They are really a bunch of awesome and nice people, but they're probably having too much fun to even care about what silent ones like me gotta say. Sometimes, joining them at the tables seem so hurting to me. I don't get the topics they're at, they hardly hear or respond to what i say...I just don't feel that much bonded to the group and i hate to pretend.

Read friend's blog and she said that she felt LONELY. It sounds almost insulting and hurting to people like me. She has so many friends to talk to, so many people to complain and whine to...and she calls herself lonely? That's just peanuts. You wouldn't be able to survive the loneliness that i have to deal with every single day in school.

Never have i thought that i would ever be afraid of solitude. It was the only constant for me ever since my childhood days. But recently, I realised that no one wants to sit next to me during lectures (whenever i sit at the end of the line, no one would sit next to me even if there were a WHOLE row of them), no one stands with me during morning assembly (no one ever moves up to occupy the space...like i'm some virus or sth), and people don't include me in conversations (most of the time i had to shamelessly "force" my way into the convo)..but I always hide these emotions, never allowing anyone see me feel hurt, put on my toughest armour...probably that's one of the reasons why school feels like my battleground. Nevertheless, I really miss having someone who would occupy the seat next to me when it's empty, someone would like talking to me, someone who would wait for me and study together with me...someone who would be there to answer my questions even at the oddest hours...

Sure, that school has the prestige, the opportunities, the resources, ...and I'm really grateful and thankful for that. But whatever happened to genuinity? Creativity? Fun? Humour? As much as I try but, sometimes i just feel like i don't belong to that world. The real world isn't like that. Even though we still keep in touch, but my bffs all seem so far away now. I really really miss them.

But i'll maintain the hope that someone true would come my way in that school.

The rare despo times i have

Skipped my awesome samba to attend a talk on local university admissions today. But ah well, at least i still managed to do some work and hanged out with the guys today. lol. omg and my mum told me that it'll be difficult for me to get married D: wth?!?! damn sad now. but what to do? Everytime (actually just twice) I finally realise i like someone, he's either taken or he'll have so many girls surrounding him that i'll be too scared to like him. After spending 15 years in an all girls' environment with minimal interaction with guys, I am not taught how to handle these kind of feelings. Liking someone can be quite a torture. I don't fall in love easily. It really takes alot before I can truly trust someone. But when I do fall in love, it's equally as difficult for me to fall out of it...don't know whether it's a good thing or bad though.

Maybe that's why I never like having a large clique...sometimes i feel that it can be too taxing and a little superficial for me. I prefer having genuine long-lasting friendships, even if it's just 1 or 2 of them. For now, I'm happy to have met 2 important friends in my life :)

haiz...maybe guys don't like chilli padi. but for now, i'll just focus on my studies now and leave the worrying, affairs of the heart etc to fate. Hope he comes along soon.

Feeling damn stupid right now. should have gone for the local uni addmissions talk today. wth. Now i have to miss dance tmr just to go for the stupid talk. wts. Everyone else's parents are so concerned about their child's education and future, why not mine?!?!?! My mum just so unconcerned about my matters and forever leaves me in the lurch, to struggle on my own, to fend for myself, not even giving a damn about me. Why is she like that?! I hate this. I really hate this. Why today?!!? Why tmr?!?! Why can't they have it on a day where people are not so busy, like saturday???? omggggggg what kind of day is this?!?!

This is one of the "wth" days. Got an E for gp...my essay is so terrible that I can barely look at it. If only i could shred it up. lol. But things are worse now that i have to do 12 thesis statements for 12 essay topics!!! >< omg. spent 2 hours sifting through chunks of rubbish through the internet but i still can't find anything! URGH. Why am i so inefficient?!?! >:(

Changed to a new pencilcase today and i hooked on the keychain which was my birthday present from mum :) but stupid classmate kept asking "SO WHO'S THE LUCKY GUY?" omgggg. so damn annoying. As much as I would love to, I don't have a bf. lol. I still recall the sakae outing when sarah said that i would make a good girlfriend xD

I really hope that someday I would be able to find a guy that loves me for who i am, a girl who is like a "rock" (according to my secondary school form teacher). He'd better have strong teeth xD

This year though, I shall focus on my studies and brush up on my work. I really really need to start chionging ><

Ciao~

I hardly did anything today. really. and it sucks. There is just too many things to do and so little time. As much as I want to do as many math practices as possible, it's just so difficult when I constantly get stuck at the various questions. same for chem. Idk what to do with GP and much less for econs. Currently stuck at econs essay. omg><

I just hate myself for being so easily intimidated by others. Once I see someone chionging something that I haven't done, I would be freaking out and would rush to finish it on that night at home. I'm totally lost and studying like a mindless fly knocking into walls. I just hope that I can regain my momentum and do well.

I hardly smiled at anyone when i go about in school. It's not that i don't like them, i'm just not the kind of people that would go about and squeal, laugh like a hyena, or giggle like a girlie girl. Maybe that's why people hardly smile at me nowadays...just when I've decided to be friendlier to the world. The only thing to do now is to continue smiling till the world smiles back.

Chem spa was horrible...just horrible. I almost swallowed by FA2 during prac. good thing it only touched my lips and the corner of my eye. (i forgot to wear safety goggles but ah well..) Just hope and pray hard that everything will go right for my chem and bio spa exams.

Sometimes i wonder if anyone i know will eventually find this blog. But anyway, it's better that they don't read my mindless ranting that don't really make much sense. Just like how my bff says, the both of us are really really awesome at being low profile. haha.

Anyway, can't talk much now cuz i gotta go do my tutorials and plan an official revision schedule so that i can improve alot alot and beat everyone in class, or even the school, in A levels. Jiayou! I can do it! :D