Lately I've been thinking of getting myself an English name. And somehow, amazingly, i've come in touch with numerology once again. Now that it's the hols, i finally have time to research and find out what exactly it is and how it works.

When i asked my mum, she told me that she wanted to name me "Chloe" but decided not to cuz she didn't know how to pronounce the name at that time. LOL right -__-

And after all the readings about my personality, I realized that there are certain parts of your character that are sort of 'consistent. For example, me thinking a lot all the time, liking solitude, and well, having high standards.

My friend Joel once told me that I have a 'mental list' of qualities i want in a bf. Back then, I thought that he had misunderstood me. But now I realized that..yes, indeed. Maybe i do have one. Which explains why i'm always criticizing stuff around me. Because i have high standards, i aim for perfection. But now i have to understand that no one's perfect. And that i shouldn't be too harsh on people for accepting imperfection because sometimes that's the way to keep things moving instead of dwelling on it to make it perfect. I don't dislike the fact that i'm a perfectionist. In fact, i have come to love that part of myself. I love the fact that i actually do have an idea of what i want from something and not just blindly accept things as they are. But of course, now that i'm aware of my trait, i can learn to tamper it with some humiliaty. Especially when dealing with people, so that i do not come off as arrogant/a know-it-all.

Perhaps that's what growing up is all about for an kid like me who scores higher in terms of interpersonal intelligence. Knowing myself better and coming to terms with my strengths and weaknesses and accepting it all as part of me. Coming to peace with myself. Understanding how and why i feel in certain situations. Knowing what kind of person i am and what i want to be. Perhaps, that's the quest for wisdom IS indeed my life path, which explains my scientist-like curiosity and thirst for all kinds of knowledge and wisdom. Everything and everyone we meet has a story to tell, something to learn from. And I'm glad that my analytical mind, keen awareness and almost psychic sensitivity are gifts to help me in that journey.

可能。。。有时人真的不能太执着，太计较。试着放开一点，对人宽容一点，世界会瞬间变得善良点。。。人，也会变得可爱点。

Getting cheated is such a painful feeling. I felt like I'm such an idiot. I don't want to trust anyone anymore. I was so stupid. Why didn't I check properly in the first place? Why? From now on I will not buy secondhand books from friends and I will always check SUPER thoroughly before paying. But today, she has proved to me that she is a bitch with no morals and she's nothing but a deceptive fraudster. Hope she gets punished for it. Punish her that she will no longer have any friends and she will forever get cheated by people, her feelings, her money and her life. Karma will get back to her soon enough. And there's no point in me getting upset by this anymore. What's more important is that I understand that this is not my fault. She is a bitch. I just need to be more careful with friends and sellers next time. I just need to not trust anyone at all. Not a single bit. And I need to look forward. How to salvage the situation for myself now.

A $10 note. A 10 minute train ride.

That was all it took to test a person & to test a friendship. Perhpas this is why we should have minimal money dealings with friends. She said that it was due to her work but she couldn't explain why she didn't raise the major flaw when she had so much other time to do so before selling it to me. In order to charge more than what it was worth, she deceived her friend, betrayed her trust, insulted her own character with her own actions (in that case i'm not sure if there's character at all).

It was partly my fault. My fault for trusting her. No one can be trusted.

Money wasn't the issue. But it was the trust betrayed, the calculativeness. Your pettiness and lack of generosity for people, even for friends, that disgusted me. At that moment, I felt like I was no more than a stranger, a hapless victim of a cold cruel business dealing. You told me that others could sell books of lousy quality to others at higher prices, so you would consider me as one of those unrelated strangers who are just there for you to take advantage of? You didn't even bother compensating. You didn't even bother to say any apology. You think that it's acceptable. I really question what friends actually mean to you.

I would be willing to give up that $10 for the friendship. I would travel that 10 minute trian ride. But you wouldn't & you didn't. Still gladly & shamelessly accepted it. You left me speechless.

I've always pride myself for being the good friend, & I expect to be treated the same. With honesty & loyalty. Is that too much to ask?

I usually wouldn't want to write out such stuff. But you are the worst friend I've ever had. Oh. And since it's my blog, I just wanna say, "Karin, you are such a bitch. Can't wait for you to go overseas and never come back".

Your reputation, your character, your friendship.

Once broken, considered sold.

*crack*

For the very first time, i actually sang birthday song to myself (with my mum) in my room, with just a tiny slice of my fav tiramisu cake. It was the most low profile bday celebration ever, but i've never felt happier. I am seriously an introvert. HAHAHA. My bros said that bday wishes don't come true, but I still believe in bday wishes, becuz they did come true for me. The thing is, i don't wish for things that happen by pure chance. I wish for things, then work hard for them, and hopefully that with some luck from my bday wishes, I can succeed. And I actually did achieve quite a lot and I believe that some luck is indeed needed to have such results. Don't expect to get anything if you don't work hard for them. Looking back at these 3 months, I am really amazed at how i managed to survive all that workload and stress. And i'm really grateful to have met so many nice people in sch. Srsly, without friends, uni is a really sad cruel battleground. okay.. this is abrupt but i'm going to sleep now. need to wake up early tmr to go sch. Ciao~

Yay finally my exams are over :) And i just passed my FTT today. awesome!! But sian. will have non-stop dance prac for the whole holiday omg *puke*

Anw, now that i'm not going to hokkaido...i have the whole month of nothing-to-do. Hopefully this time i will not waste my hols..especially since December is my favorite month XD

Anw, gtg chillax now. Ciao~

Why some people just don't know how to mince their words? Or is it just becuz i'm already so annoyed with them that no matter what they say it just sounds so...tactless?

I don't know. But i know i should seriously stop taking their words so srsly from now on and accept the fact that sometimes ppl just like to say things “without going through their brains” (不经大脑）. And I should stop rebutting them. Waste my time and energy and it's not doing any good for my reputation. AND so that i don't have to waste even more time trying to write apology-cum-explanation letters to "save the day"-.-

These are times whereby u know who are the zeros.

嗯。。。如果能是一样幸福的结局就好了。 给我一个长得像陈柏霖一样帅，一样爱我的“好朋友”吧。

刚看完了第12集的《我可能不会爱你》 哇塞～程又青跟我太像了。。。不知结局会是怎么样。。。希望能又好结果。。。 可惜。。唯一差别是我生命中没有李大仁，连爱情都没体会过。

I don't know why i'm being so irritable today. And yeah...maybe i should change the way i speak to people.

我。。。真的很累很累。

我再也不想做大人了，当了18年的大人也已经够了。我只想要过一个18岁少女应有的无忧人生。一次也好，能让我随心所欲地买我喜欢的衣服首饰吗？一次也好，能让我大胆吃我爱吃的食物吗？

一次也好，能让我拥有当幼稚，天真，任性小女孩的特别权利吗？

原来边弹钢琴，边哭是一件多么狼狈的事。

不知为何，近来的我那么生气，那么幼稚，那么贪心，那么渴望自由。为什么？近来的我，就像一只太聪明的笼中鸟。从小到大，我不敢花太多钱，不敢奢求太多，拼了命去克制自己的贪念。不买玩具，不买零食，努力读书，死读书，读死书，什么都不敢喜欢，什么都不敢要，怕为父母增添麻烦。可是，突然有一天，这只小鸟开始认识更多人，更多事物。啊。。。原来世界是这样的美，这么的广阔，那么多东西等着我去发现，欣赏，去体会。原来，我一直都被困在这小小的笼子里。就这样，小鸟开始想要逃出去。但，却越发现，原来逃出去不是一件容易的事。小鸟开始挣扎，开始愤怒，开始慌张。为什么？以为他发现，自己是浪费了太多时间，不知不觉就已经快要20岁了，才开始想要逃走。20岁看起来还很年轻，但想想看，在这10年，甚至5年内，可以做的事，体会得失，已经很多了。人生，都不知道有多少个5年，10年。可能这就是大人所说的“叛逆期”吧。当我们开始有了渴望，有了想要离开主人所设计的温暖笼子的觉悟吧。

可是，逃，不是那么容易的。不是大人能做的事。因为，他们有太多的 “如果“ 和 “万一” 了。怪不得 “逃” 是一件那么令人可耻的事。因为，他们做不到。

“这里那么舒服，为什么还想出去吃苦呢？”。。。 “我不喜欢，所以你也肯定不喜欢。”。。。 “干嘛还要去呢？乖乖地待在这里多好啊！”。。。 “别人连吃饭都成问题，都没时间去想这些，你已经很幸运了，为什么要想呢？

我不要！我不想和你一样做个井底之蛙！我不想就这样，一辈子待在自己为自己设计的鸟笼里！我要逃。我不想被这些无聊的“如果”和“万一”给束缚。是的。我没出生在非洲就已经很幸运了，我有衣食住行，能上学，就已经很幸福了。但就因为我满足了生存的基本需求，其他梦想便是奢侈？我得向其他人一样忙目的在人群中求生存？为什么我要一样？ 为什么我要不一样？ 我根本就不是想要和别人不一样，我不是那么重要，我只是想要做我自己，追求自己的小小梦想，满足我的小小贪念。这样也不行吗？

可是，我还是不能随意任性，不顾后果。金钱成了我的阻碍。我不能够那么自私，为了自己的私欲，而去让父母承受经济上的负担。如果我能不成熟就好了，如果我能够像小孩子一样不顾后果，不瞻前顾后就好了。

我不想那么快就长大。

我真的很想逃离这小岛，去看看外面的世界能有多大，雪是多么白，村子是什么样的，温泉是什么样子，高山是什么样子的。。。

对不起，我为我的天真和贪念说声对不起。

刚开始看《我可能不会爱你》，本以为会是另一个令人失望，起鸡皮疙瘩的老掉牙剧本。但这部戏可是让我刮目相看哦～不但演技好，故事情节可是老得纯朴，浪漫！ 真希望我人生中也能有个李大仁。 一个真正包容我，爱我的人生伴偶。一个能带我环游整个世界的玩伴。一个让我能让我信赖，依赖，却不无赖的男人。 爱情有很多种。爱人有很多种。但爱情就一定要轰轰烈烈吗？爱人就一定要爱得你死我活吗？淡淡的爱，也可能是更长久的浪漫。我要的爱是天长地久的，而不是曾经拥有。 真开心终于能够用华文来表达情感。就是要这样嘛！哈哈。。可能是因为圣诞节快来临了吧，特别渴望爱情。希望我第一个男朋友能够是我人生中的李大仁～

Term 1 is ending soon. now it's recess week again and after my finals, IT'S WINTER HOLS! :D (okay not exactly winter cuz it doesn't even snow here) Super tempted to go hokkaido this december! haha there's this package thingy to hokkaido. super cool can get to ski~~ anw, i've met quite a number of nice ppl in sch. But uni life's still a b***** and i've gotta mug super hard even during hols. But i'll still find time to meet up and do crazy things with my friends, read more books, go for high tea like a tai tai, go kbox, travel, dance, work, sing, etc. Must remember to enjoy life in uni!!! :D

Went down for my club's elections despite my horrible headache. But i guess it was a wasted trip. I didn't get elected into the exco:/ Oh well, i guess my performance was also not good. (but can't be helped since my head was in a whirl) I'm not really very sad, but still quite disappointed cuz i always do my best in everything i do, but never gets any recognition. I am a natural leader, but people always selects the person with the most convincing speech, who says the obvious. That's why they fail. haha but my personality really compensate for that sad phenomenon in my life. I don't care about titles, I don't care about what people think. All that matters is that I live being true to myself & live with freedom. I do things because I want to do it, I think it's right. Not because it looks better on my resume, or because I can show off to my employers that I was the ___ of whatever club. But, of course, when i do something right, I can never stand someone else claiming credit for it. So now i'm in a dilemma. I want to contribute to the club, but I know that the exco people now would likely just claim all the credit anyway. Should i still put in as much effort? I don't know. But i will just do what is right.

I am really so scientific, so rational. So misunderstood. Even in Uni now, people say that i am judging. But they forgot that even that statement is a judgement itself. I am critical, I observe, I have feelings, I care for my friends, sometimes even becoming fiercely protective of them. I judge people over a long time, not simply due to a one-off incident. That opinion itself is quite an insult to my character and rationality. But nvm..I will forgive them since it is rather normal for me to be so misunderstood. But there's one thing that I agree: I always hold back a part of myself. I don't like the idea of having to "bare it all" to anyone, even friends and family. Only when people spot it, then would I be willing to share it with them. But guess what? NO ONE has actually realized that, which is probably a good thing cuz I can hide behind my shroud of mystery. muahahahaha. Then again, I don't like to show my soft side to others. So whenever I am with anyone, I always put on my "rational thinker" mask unknowingly. So perhaps it's partly my fault that everyone has this impression of me being like a tough unforgiving robot. My teacher even said that he used to judge me as "cold-blooded and vicious", another one said that i was like a 'rock' who will be able remain uninfluenced by others. That's kind of true but negative people can still sort of affect me emotionally that I get all cold-blooded and detached from situations with them. And one thing....I often have to consciously stop myself from sharing my theories and explanations for certain opinions/predictions. If not people will srsly judge me as "mad scientist". And I realized that my signature phrase is "I told you so!" cuz my predictions are just so scarily accurate. okay. no time to talk. gotta study for my test. Must work hard for my future since i think chances of me getting a rich successful good husband is low. hahahaha.

Everyone is unique, everyone is precious.

Yeah i know. I used to cringe at that sentence whenever some motivation speaker says that to the audience. But now, i realised that this simple sentence actually encompasses a principle, a truth that is so hard for us to truly believe in, especially in today's world. Thus, i am writing my thoughts down so that hopefully, i will remember to look back at this post frequently and remember: Yes, I am me.

It is easy for us to say that "oh yeah, everyone is equal regardless of their wealth, status, etc." But in practice, we often go about subconciously ranking others and ourselves based on external measures of success such as wealth, status and popularity. And most of the time, we would develop this sense of inferiority that makes us thirsty of success, for approval.

I don't want to live to the expectations of others. I don't want to be told how to live my life. I don't want to be like other people. Sounds liberating right? But unfortunately, it is really difficult to live by such principles, especially in my society. So I am going to start small. First, to stop comparing myself and others.

Actually i can't really think of it now, cuz my dad turned the television on super loud. URGH. so annoying. Nevermind. Shall start by not getting bothered by little things like this.

I don't know what else to do, I don't know what to expect, I don't know what I should do for a happy life. But I will try my best to figure it out.

Hopefully someday, I will be able to be in harmony and at peace with the world around me.

Just came home from smuggles camp! :) It was a short but chill 2D1N camp. As i am very sleepy i shall keep this short.

I was initially very reluctant to go for the camp because i thought that the scholars would be very snobbish and would be too intellectual for me xD but they turned out to be quite cool people (just a bit less tactful but still straightforward people). I hope that we can become a very close-knit community throughout uni and beyond.

Anw, on the first day we played station games which was quite easy except that i got elbowed in the eye for the chilli sauce game. At night, we went out tgt to get food for supper and had HTHT cum drinking night. Oh. not to mention we had an interaction with seniors time which totally stressed me out cuz they were talking about academic stuff. Lucky we ended early and just headed back to our SRs. That night, I drank a few sips and then went to sleep. Picked a nice spot in the SR and so i slept quite well.

Woke up and played running man on day 2. Our group was so serious about the game for the first 5 mins...but after a few members got caught, we simply chilled in one row outside our SR until the game ended-.- haha why all the groups i have for camp are all so slack? xD

Yep. at night we performed 'oppa griffin style' for the finale. I was at the front row and it was super awkward to dance in front of the prof and CSD staff xD haha. But nevertheless it was fun and dinner was four seasons buffet again xD We talked about many things while eating and I've decided that i will need to think very clearly of what i want and perhaps try my chance at getting high GPA and get invited to do law. Will pray hard, work hard.

Overall it was an awesome experience and I've met nice funny ppl and seniors :) It's still a nice way to start Uni life. Jia you! :)

Is it wrong to want to be a jack of all trades and master of a few?

Lately i'm stressed and so once again, i am doing lots of useless stuff to take my mind away from all the thoughts and ideas and plans. Not like i have a plan anyway.lol.

Yep. the main point today is quite meaningless for readers...so if you don't like it you can just jolly well skip this post.

I am feeling slightly better now that i kind of confirmed my personality type :) INTJ! haha it finally explains why i was so 'reserved' when young and why i always felt and acted much more matured than most people of my age. No wonder my mum used to say that i'm like a forty year old rather than fourteen. haha. And yeah i tend to think too much even before i actually do anything and i'm so studious. typical INTJ.

One thing though. They said that INTJs can practically do anything so long as they put their minds to it. I really did believe in that when i was much younger, even till now. But of course, with more 'experience', i can only say that it is half true. Yes. One can do almost anything so long as they put their minds to it. But for INTJs, it is not a question of whether we can, but rather whether we want to or see a need for it. Same thing for my major. I know i will be able to do well in most subjects but the thing is, i can't seem to find the motivation to commit to any major unless i can actually find a reason to convince myself. Srsly, making money isn't a persuasive enough excuse anymore. I need something more convincing, something that i can feel passion or at least vision for. Forget engineering and science, that's not my interest (surprisingly for an intj).

Argh. i'm really very frustrated. Idk why i'm thinking about all this just before ssh starts. Everything seems settled in and i am angry with myself for wanting to make changes. But i just feel like something's wrong. I'm not doing it right. But i don't know what went wrong or whether or not there's a problem in the first place or whether i'm thinking too much again.

I feel like i need a gap year but then my parents(and society) are making me feel like i shouldn't be wasting time and that i should just get in and out of college asap so that i don't waste money and start earning asap. But I still feel like i'm walking on a path that's unsuitable for me. Mum says that it doesn't matter what I major in so long as i can get a certificate. But is that really the best idea? Really? To me, uni is a long term investment. TO major in something you like and make use of all available resources to help yourself excel in the subject should be the main reason for college.

I don't want to sell my soul even before stepping out into the cruel world.

I hate bidding for modules. Enough said. First taste of Uni and i'm alrdy starting to regret it. wts. Anw, i realised that there's gonna be srsly ALOT of math for econs and i'm really damn screwed. I realised that in JC, i didn't like math much and it was really sian during lessons. Actually, compared to math, i'd rather have my GP lessons. shitt. Looks like accountancy is good for me but econs.... bleh. it's cool but i really can't stand reading sloman for more than a page without dozing off. What to do now? :( Argh. I guess i'll have to just wait and see. See how much i can tolerate. Cuz right now, i don't even know my directions anymore. haha not like i knew where to go in the first place. Sighz. Even my mum is losing patience with me. But...i really don't know. arghhh it's not like i can find it overnite or have some kind of 'eureka' moment. I don't know what i want to do, but i know it's just not this....

Uni is srsly another brand new chapter and challenge in life. Even before school term starts, i am already feeling the heat. I kind of understand what they mean by you need to be independent and really...you need friends to survive through all those crappy moments and exams. Hopefully all the people i meet so far would be true good friends who would last me a lifetime. Anw, i'm still not sure if acc and econs is what i like to do, but i've learnt to take it in my stride. Like what my bio teacher mr ngan said, you never really know what you want to do in life. Not sure if i inferred correctly but i guess there's never really a 'correct' route to go in life, no one really starts off knowing what they want to do, but we always have to take the first step to try out things so that we'll know if it's what we want. Through exploring, perhaps we may even venture out and discover greener pastures than we ever thought was possible. Life is about ambiguity and i've got to learn how to deal with that i suppose. It's also a new skill. Sometimes i think that NS is actually a gd thing for guys. At least they don't feel the pressure of having to decide on a course as quickly as possible. They have 2 years to go out and explore their interests without the burden of having to finish school fast just so that they can start bringing the money back home. How awesome it would be if i could have more time to explore myself and my interests. haha. But anw, i will as usual try to be optimistic and happy about school. At least i'm alrdy quite happy with the people i meet. Hopefully i don't meet alot of weird or nasty people. Jiayou! :)

Just got back from asoc camp the day before. It turned out to be more fun than i had expected. and the food there is pretty awesome. the only part i didn't like was the hot scorching sun on day 3 at sentosa. haha anw, Athena is such an awesome bunch of ppl :)

I missed out on day 1 cuz i had to attend RI founders' day and then go teach in the afternoon. By the time I joined the group, i was pretty tired. We played charades and some other games, then had dinner and htht. Surprisingly, i was not the only evergreen unlike ftb camp. okay..i've come to terms with being evergreen. Ppl may symphathise me but i really hate it when they do that. I'm not unwanted, but rather, i'm saving my whole unhurt heart, my first kiss, my first love, for a guy who truly deserves it. And i hope that i will be able to meet that guy very soon. But, perhaps guys don't like evergreens cuz they think evergreen girls have problems since they're not wanted. But i beg to differ. Evergreen girls may be girls with priority and maturity, who realise that the relationships we have when we're young do not last and so may want to focus on their studies first. Sometimes we're just shy. Sometimes we're just saving it up for the right one. Sometimes we're just late bloomers (who will be blooming while everyone else withers away). Sometimes it's just fated. But i strongly believe that evergreens are not leftovers or defects, but rather, diamonds waiting to be discovered by those who are able to see their shine within.

haha okay. so i digress. let's get back on to day 2. We played the amazing race and while other groups were charging ahead at full force, our group really just chilled all the way. we were even looking forward to bathing at the hostel at prinsep (which was the punishment for the last 3 teams to finish the race). But in the end we still managed to bathe in the admin building cuz the hostel was out of bounds that day. At the last station, we had to guess the types of juice in a mixture and i was so surprised that i actually managed to taste the lime in the juice when everyone else thought it was just orange and carrot juice. yay go me xD

After that we played running man very late at night. After that, we had fright night. Too lazy to go into the details but anw, i was really damn chicken and it was just embarrassing. we went in fours at first, then off into pairs. After a while, they separated me from my pair and dragged me over a very long distance. After a while i realised that they were gonna bring me into a room and i got really frightened. So i just squated on the spot and refused to budge even after 4 facis tried to pull me in. They eventually gave up and brought me back with my teammates. yeah i know what i did was really stupid so yeah...most embarrassing moment of my life. But the org comm was really nice cuz they gave us each a box of lao ban beancurd. So awesome but i was still abit too scared by the fright night to really enjoy my beancurd. Worse still, i couldn't sleep when it was time for nights out and so i just went out to chat with joel. we were ltr joined by ella and my facie luke. talked about eye candy etc until 4 plus before heading to sleep.

Then on the 3rd day, we went to sentosa. Now i know what game i am best at: dodgeball. we used sponges instead of balls but i still managed to eliminate 3 out of 4 opponents. damn surprised. I didn't even keep track of who eliminated who cuz i was too busy trying to pick up the sponges and throwing them at the opponents. On my first throw, i used too much strength that the sponge flew super far away. All the guys were damn shocked. omg i think i completely ruined my sweet image with a 'ms super strong and buff' image. damn embarrassing ><

Then after the games the guys started dunking each other into water. After that they wanted to dunk me but i refused. just when i thought i could escape, the 3 guys lifted me and anzie and headed for the sea. then 'poof' off i went into the water. sian lah. i went back to get all the other girls dunked. Got dunked twice into the seawater but yeah actually it was really a funny experience. Really grateful to have such a fun team that does unexpected stuff at the funnniest moments xD

We had 4 seasons buffet at night and then headed home. Tbh, i was quite reluctant to go home cuz we really had so much fun. Hopefully i can continue to be as close to the group throughout uni. Really loved my team. GO ATHENA! :D Okay. i gotta go bake my chocolate cake now. Ciao~

So many things happening lately..and even more events will be up round the corner. Anw, just to let u know that I survived through the ants and mud in FTB camp. yay. And I managed to meet some awesome people. I really hope that people in mango jango will be my long lasting friends in uni and beyond...not like my previous orientation group. University is so happenning that it's becoming kind of scary for me. Even more so when i decided to listen to 'Fifteen' by Taylor swift. Funny though. When you listen to same song at fifteen and older, you actually have completely different feelings about it. At fifteen, tbh, i really had no idea what it meant and simply loved the nostalgic feel of the tune. Then later on in jc, the main lyrics of the song that i resonated with was 'you'll do greater things than dating the boy on the football team'. But now, i'm starting to understand the lyrics better. "time can heal most anything", "hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you.." and "and you might just find who you're suppose to be". But so many of these things you really wouldn't know at fifteen. Even if you heard them, you wouldn't really understand it. Am i making sense? xD But i gotta admit that this song really saved me. Back then all i wanted was really to be wanted, but this song served as a reminder and warning to me that in life there are other more important things to do and some mistakes cannot be erased so don't make them. It really saved me alot more heartaches than most other girls. So i really recommend girls to listen to this song...even if you don't quite understand it. Right now, my focus is not so much hoping for a guy, but to really find who i'm suppose to be, what i'm suppose to do, who i'm suppose to help. This is one question that i've been trying to avoid and today, i realised that to be truly happy, i need to address this one big question that many people might just spend their whole life searching an answer for. Let's just start by starting college with an open mind and heart. A real challenge for me.

My first time....ice skating today!! :D

Haha went out late morning for my dental appt. My dentist said that i wore my rubber bands quite well...of course lah i'm such a good patient xD

[The next paragraph is some angsty stuff so please feel free to skip to the next paragraph...]

After that i had to go collect my med report. the queue was so long and this girl behind me was 'yaking' away to her friend in a bitchy manner. Complain about the long queue, complain about how ugly other girls look (i srsly wonder how big her ego is to be able to say that). Then when it was my turn and the nurse just took off without a warning to attend to other stuff, she snorted,"why the people here like that?!". That was when her friend (who probably sensed how irritated i was with her friends incessant comments), jabbed her in the arm to signal her to stop talking. Anw, i soon managed to collect my report and rush off to meet megan.

After all the walking, we went for lunch and then took off to kallang for our very first ice skating experience! :)

The ice was really slippery and even though i used to roller-blade, I still took some time to find my balance. So megan and i held on to the sides of the skating ring and practiced for about an hour. Thankfully, with that little bit of experience and strong observation (aka copycat) skills, I was able to travel quite smoothly on the ice without any help. hahaha not bad eh >;) Megan had completely no experience with travelling on skates..so she suffered a few falls and had to rest for a while. But overeall, we agreed that ice skating is really fun and addictive (not to mention expensive)! xD My ankle really hurt for quite a while after that. lol. And after that 2 hrs of 'exercise', we went to treat ourselves to some hot chocolate and cheesecake. Exercise followed by nice comfort food. What an AWESOME combination :D haha okay i'm really sleepy after such a busy day. Gonna go relax with some tv/books and coffee! Happy happy day <3

Yay got my new phone today!! hahaha after all these years of getting older cheap phones, i now have the coolest latest phone in the house! xD hahaha glorious moment.

Anw, I made my first attempt at pork floss buns today :) It turned out nice and awesome, but i got too tired and bored of stuffing the pork floss..so the other batch of buns are just plain soft rolls. Oh well, at least i still have breakfast tmr. Can bring some for megan to try...if there are still any left tmr xD

Feeling slightly happier these days cuz i'm now making better use of my time :) If things could just stay like this forever xD but we all know that time and tide waits for no (wo)man. LOL.

Finally met up with brenda ytd :) It's been so long since we last met. Shared spaghetti and spring rolls for lunch and then walked around the mall window shopping. Brenda bought a blue skirt but i didn't buy anything xD no moneyy what to do... Most of my friends are now unemployed (like me..except that i'm technically employed cuz i still work once a wk). Can't wait to meet up with more friends and have fun! It would be nice to have a class outing but everyone seems to be busy..Anw, ever since my mum injured her leg, i've been pretty occupied. I have to accompany her when she goes out teaching and i even have to spend sunday mornings playing and teaching little kids...haiz i guess it's quite nice since i wouldn't waste my time sleeping away my sunday mornings xD And i love little kids. They can get annoying but still full of energy. It's as if when you hang out around them, their innocence and energy seem to spread to you. Nevertheless, i still get headaches after teaching. haha maybe i do seem more like a teacher than dentist. lol. Yep. So i've been quite happy lately. Going out with friends, teaching little kids, baking...Oh. speaking of baking, i just baked a batch of buns!! haha my family loves it and it feels super awesome when people love the food that i make :D Happy happy~~ Oh. And lately i've decided to self learn Japanese and Korean. Managed to read and write hiragana and katakana over these 3 days. And learnt some simple greetings like "Hajimemashite", etc. I'm also slowly recognising hangeul but right now i'm more focused on the conversations and greetings instead. yay. Writing about my progress makes me feel so accomplished xD Even though it isn't very impressive but a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, right? :) Anw, i will try to enjoy my hols without worrying about uni yet. Difficult but i'm gonna do my best :) Okay. Super tired after baking so i'm gonna go sleep earlier! Gd nite! :)

Okay. I've made my choice. Pray hard that everything will be okay. or awesome.

Maybe it's time to give it a serious thought. Who knows? I might actually succeed :) Yep. Time to start using that "rusty" brain of mine xD Oh. and 'Rooftop Prince' is soooo cute and funny!!! Esp the 3 epic bodyguards xD

yeah. I must learn to forgive myself. People are not meant to spend their living moment in regret. Just learn and move on.

I'm going to stop being afraid and start taking charge of my own life. Stop being afraid. Yes. How easy to say it. But idk how to go about doing it. lol. I'm currently loving life with no job. I can go out whenever i want to, do whatever i want whenever i want. No "Sorry i have work today." kind of excuses. Just "yeah man i'm free". hahaha. What have i been up to these days? Well, baking and reading stuff online. Figuring out what life is all about and what kind of future i want. What i want out of life. haha yes. very profound, but that's why i need something for me to research and focus on to take my mind off these philo stuff. Busy trying out recipes in my "lab" (my kitchen). Haha my mum even said i looked like a scientist when i bake bread/cakes. lol xD After trying chocolate cakes over and over again, I'm getting a little sick of it. So now i'm trying out bread baking!! And my mum is happier since she can now see for herself whether or not her $400++ reaped any results xD Bread baking is tiring..have to knead the dough, proof, shape then proof again. and my house oven is so tiny that i can't make alot of bread all at once. But it is really rewarding when my bread came out beautifully and everyone grabs for them fresh out of the oven! xD Shall post the pictures some other time when i have more time to figure out how to post the pics. haha. Anw, gtg. Ciao~

I think i have "commitment phobia"...or is there a proper name for that? Now that i'm gonna make my choice (technically no choice)...i'm feeling really reluctant to go for it. But i don't know what else to do. Srsly. I bet if i were to choose the other choice, i would have felt like that right now. Ultimately, i think it's not that i don't like it..maybe i'm just afraid of having decided on one path with almost no way of turning back. I mean, you can change your choice but things wouldn't be as easy as if u had chosen the right one in the first place. I don't know what lies ahead of me but i'll just hope for the best. Hopefully someday, whatever choice i make, whether or not i will change my course halfway, hopefully i can look back years later and say to myself that it was the best decision that smart little me had ever made. Hope and Faith. yeah i need them.

Okay. i'm gonna go back to dance this week. I've been delaying it for too long alrdy. Went for my dental appt today> My dentist told me that i could look ard the clinic but by then i declined since i got rejected. After that, she asked me about my plans for the rest of the holidays and i wasn't sure. Sighz. I should really do sth memorable and things that i wanna do before uni starts and i have no time for them. Gonna play board games with friends this weekend. yay. i've always wanted to do that but somehow never got the chance to. lol. What else?? Oh. my jap lessons. and yeah. dance. I should go learn some other dance. like hip hop or kpop dance. maybe belly dance, or pole dance xD kidding lah. my mum would rage at me if i actually went to do pole dancing xD Anw, i wanna learn to do paso doble!!! but i haven't passed exams so cannot :( sian. anw, i gotta start exercising soon. getting very unhealthy like that. What else...... okay. i'll think about it and then update later when i actually take action xD No more procastination!!!

Went out with megan today! :) haha had a spaghetti with tough pork chop. yuck. After that we went to have a chat at a cafe. haha I realised that cafes cannot have their lighting too dim. Sitting there gave me a headache :P So we got up and left the place to walk around the mall instead. it's nice to window shop with a friend...haven't been able to do that with brenda cuz she gets tired too easily xD haha jk lah. I guess different people like to do different things when together. Looks like we need to grab more 'fashionista' friends to go shopping for new clothes for Uni! :) Oh. And before i forget...we listed down a few things to do tgt during hols...iceskating, play cluedo and..oh great. i forgot. wth :P Anw, I'm really enjoying life as a slacker now. haha. Anw, i'm gonna enter a 'mugger' uni soon..might as well just enjoy now. While everyone gets off to work, i can wake up late and have a nice slow breakfast while watching tv. Then while everyone is busy working as admin staff, i can study about baking, music, etc. and experiment with different ingredients and methods. I can come up with a list of recipes to try out and go shopping with my mum anytime i want to :) awesome right? Then i can go work on weekends, meeting kids and at least have some social interaction with the others. Wanted to learn jap but the courses were too expensive and it would be boring to learn it by myself. So i'm just gonna resort to learning korean online. Just the basics. Speaking of korea, many of my friends have been there for their hols. I really wanna go out and explore the world. If i had no limits, i think i'll probably find a nice safe country with big land and fresh air, then go there and build a house. I would have pets and own a bakery. Then i would learn to set up a plantation producing many different kinds of fruits and allow tourists to visit so that i can earn money. I would work a few hours everyday and then go home and enjoy an aromatic cup of freshly brewed coffee. No more smelling of cigarette smoke, car exhaust fumes and no more crowded shopping malls. Just wanna live a happy peaceful life with my family and not give a damn about what others are doing. No competing. No stress. hahaha i'm not even sure if such a life is possible in this crazy world. But i guess i can try my best to live a happy peaceful life with love for my family and friends. Hopefully i can receive lots of love too :) Oh. And Happy Mother's Day to all wonderfull mums who love us more than we can ever imagine, esp to my awesome superwoman mum!!! <3

Just finished teaching today. Didn't know that it could be that tiring though...but i guess it's just due to my strong sense of responsibility. I'm really a very strict teacher with high expectations. But then again, this is a good job to teach myself some patience. Different students really progress differently. Some brighter, some slower, some who just refuse to practice as much as they should. lol. Anw, freelance teaching is a nice job to have...esp when your mother is your colleague and u guys can chat about students and teaching methods after lesson time :) Teaching is really not easy. Other than patience, a teacher needs to be able to assess the situation and style of students rather quickly to adapt certain teaching methods. Learning to ask the right questions, dishing out information at a suitable pace that it doesn't overwhelm the student, explaining things in a concise and simple manner,...there's just so many people skills involved. That's why they always say that to be a good teacher, you need to have a firm and wide knowledge of the topic they teach. I even have to search and invent new ways of explaining concepts to students. Tiring, stressful but rewarding when they finally understand :) And i'm finally carving out my own teaching style and method. but still needs refining. haha.

But I'm still not very happy. After getting rejected by dentistry, i've been trying to convince myself to see the good in the situation but somehow, i can't seem to get rid of that gnawing feeling. The feeling of failure. That somehow i'm not maximising my potential. That by not getting into dentistry, medicine or law, i have somehow failed to emerge as successful in the paper chase. I mean, u don't see anyone saying "yay i'm gonna be an accountant!" right? Only things like "yay YYLSoM", "imma be lawyer", Law+Biz double degree :)" etc etc. My mum told me that i don't need to compare or compete with others, that i just need to be happy with myself, not need to win others. Yeah. That's what i've been telling myself. But why do i still feel so defeated?

Maybe it's because i have become to accustomed to achieving. After getting reasonably well for PSLE, i strived hard for school exams and O level. Sacrificing my free time and moments to my pile of books, i failed to experience life and friends. Come to think of it, I missed out on alot of things in secondary school. But then, i got stellar results at O level and got into a prestigious JC. I strongly believed that social life is the bane of good results. So when my results started to slide drastically at the end of JC1, I started to close up once more..shutting out friends and enjoyment for my pile of books. Indeed, it worked. I got results that far exceeded my expectations. All the while, i've been chasing grades and recognition whenever people praise me for my intelligence and look up to me for my capability. I got hooked. Addicted. Yeah..addicted to achievement and winning. I feel that since i come from that prestigious JC, i should be doing big things, difficult courses, prestigious universities. So now when i don't achieve that, i feel defeated, a failure, angry. My ego has taken a really big hit this year. Perhaps i'm being proud and arrogant, but I feel that with all those sacrifices and hardwork, i deserve to enjoy success and recognition. The amount of hardwork that i put in is definitely much much more than anyone i know. okay i don't know what i'm talking about.

I don't want to simply clock in and out of work like a lifeless zombie. I don't want to be like those adults who go in and out of the office, only to wake up and have a midlife crisis. I don't want to waste my time doing things that are meaningless. I don't want to just have a life after 6pm on weekdays and 2 days in weekends. I don't want to look forward to holidays so that i can escape work and enjoy myself. I want to feel eager to work every morning i wake up. I want to feel like i've spent my days doing meaningful things that made a difference. I want to work for myself, for something that i believe in. I want to explore the world. I want to experience. I want to meet people. I want to cook. bake. laugh. pray. learn. help. teach. guide.

I want to be alive.

"Purpose is different from goals. A purpose is a broad definition of what a goal should be framed around. A purpose has no deadline and it fuels whatever you do. There are many primary purposes in life: to change, to preserve, to create, to destroy, to survive, to serve etc. A goal then narrows this purpose down to a specific field the individual chooses to make his/ her mission based on personal preference, background, health, wealth etc."

This is from a note written by my ex-classmate nandhitha called revelation. I guess it sort of sums up what i've learnt and realised these few months...that what i'm lacking in my life right now is purpose. With no purpose, it's hard to find any passion...which might explain why i simply feel no passion for anything in my life. Some are interested in economics, some are interested in money (which isn't really a good purpose anw), some are interested in saving lives...for me? The only thing i can come up with is to be able to use my brains and contribute to society in my own way. But the thing is, i don't know what i can do anw. sighz. But i also realised that purpose is not something that can be discovered simply by staying at home and mopping around. It's not something that can be found within a certain time limit. So i guess i'm just gonna let nature take its course and hopefully i'll find it very soon. Jiayou!

Taken from http://intj-explained.tumblr.com/

Yes. My dad should really read this before he turns every peaceful discussion into a mindless argument to defend his stand. And...please stop using "u must look at the big picture" when all you're doing is straying away from the main topic. I really hate it when people bring up random points just because they can't think of anymore evidence to support their flawed arguments and they just refuse to admit. And the worst thing you can do is to carry out the "personal attack" tactic. Just admit it and move on. it's not like i'm gonna harp on your 'mistake' anyway. No one is perfect and sometimes ideas/opinions can't be simply marked as right or wrong. Don't call me defensive when all i'm trying to do is to understand your idea and test the validity of your argument. If you're not gonna be open minded about things, then don't come to me for a 'discussion'. One day, hopefully i'll be able to find someone who can actually reach the 'congratulations' part. lol. If only i can streamline people like this before they come discuss anything with me. So that they will know why i refuse to argue with them any further and not think i'm being arrogant, close-minded or rude.

Maybe it's just coincidence but i still find it...amazing? lol. Got rejected by nus dentistry today. yeah..still find it quite surreal. I'm not trying to self-praise, but i am an outstanding student. Why can't they see that?! ok ok. maybe they did cuz they still offered me a double degree. What can i say? xD Of course, appealing will be the next option but chances are gonna be really slim. And i don't really have confidence in my luck. lol. But the funny thing was that, last nite, i secretly prayed to God to thank him for everything thus far and then jokingly asked for a hint or sign on what uni course/career i am meant to do or would be happier in(...because to be honest, I was rather unsure of which path to take.) I did have a weird dream but that's not the point xD The very next day, i was dragged out of bed by my mum telling me that the application result from nus was finally out! I nervously logged onto the portal and to my disappointment, i got offered my second choice instead. I guess there are really many stronger and smarter students in this world yeah? :/ Maybe it's fated. Or maybe it's just me. But it seems as if He has helped point this lost little sheep in a certain direction. I've decided to go with the flow and not dwell on it too much. Hopefully, He has other better plans for me :) As my mum always say, God has his plans for us and everything will unfold naturally.No need to worry so much. Of course, being such a worrywart, it was really difficult to follow that advice :P To those who are able to live their dreams, I congratulate you guys. To those who are disappointed, believe that He has other plans and perhaps, the path we're about to embark on might turn out to be even better than we imagine. Never lose hope. Uni applications are a major, albeit just one of the many episodes in life. Rmb that we always have our families and friends...and that's the most important asset that anyone can have to get through life, no matter how crappy it gets. I am really grateful for a family that supports me in everything i do and who believe in my capabilities. Mum, Dad, my bros and grandparents, someday I will make you proud. Grandpa, I promise you that no matter what I do in life, I will do my best and do it well. I look forward to a new and hopefully awesome experience in future. Jiayou! :)

I will appreciate it if he could just know when to open his mouth and when not to. You don't like to talk to me? LOL.

I don't even bother saying that to you at all.

Didn't do anything much these few days...but the week seems to past so fast. lol. Maybe cuz i've been living mostly in my head for the whole time :/ Yeah. When you don't do much physically, you will somehow find yourself retreating into the world in your mind. Some call it reflecting, but i call it discovering. After so many years in the paper chase, this holiday has been a scary experience for me. All of a sudden, all the thinking and reflecting that should have been done long ago are now haunting me like an undone homework. lol. i know this description sounds weird, but srsly it felt like that initially. That explains all the stress and anxiety previously. I am trying to do something that some people may take a lifetime to accomplish...in 6 mths. Just like what my bio teacher said to me, "Follow your heart...take time to experience". Tbh, i still don't really understand what that meant despite hearing them countless times. I just want to be happy. But my problem is now...how to make it last. hahaha what a joke. I don't even know what i'm trying to say anymore. lol. Anw, the bottomline is, I don't know what i want. I want to be happy. I don't know what to do. I have so little time to consider and make a decision. But i'm just really....tired. Tired of thinking. Tired of worrying. Tired of planning. So that's it. I'm not gonna think so much for the next week. and the next. I'm just gonna stop procastinating. I want to stop living in my head and start living my life. I want to go out and see the world around me. I want to experience life. I want to live. There's really no point worrying anymore. Took the first step and signed up for BTT. I've written out some stuff that i want to do and i'm gonna start carrying them out....step by step. The last time i made the mistake of trying to do everything all at once. I got overwhelmed and eventually, nothing was achieved. So this time, i'm gonna start slow and steady. yep. Change starts from little things. And i'm gonna try to learn to not worry so much. Try to learn what it means to 'live in the moment'. Okay...don't mind my rambling. I'm too tired to write properly. haha.

Got offered scholarship! :D haha yay my mum was so happy today. lol. Now i have to go thru another round of decision making. But anw, it's really such an honour to get it and I am so grateful! hahaha Time to search for more jobs now. cannot just stay at home like that. And oh. The drama "My girlfriend is a gumiho" is so awesome!! Sure. it's still the usual fantasy and romance thingy but best thing is the new eye-candy! NO MIN WOO :D He's so good-looking but i'll talk more about it when i have more free time. Ciao~

Stuck at the crossroad

I know i'm not suppose to feel this way. But I feel forced. When they asked me if it was my choice or my parents' choice....I was shocked. Because the very first answer that resonated in my heart was 'my whole family'.

I feel so pathetic. when everyone else is doing something that is meaningful to themselves...while i'm still stuck here going nowhere. I pretend that i'm okay. I pretend that i'm not lost. I pretend that i'm satisfied and excited about the path ahead. But the truth that i realised today was..I'm not happy. I'm scared. I don't know myself. What's going on?!

University applications really scare me. Choosing a major scares me. It just feels as if all your friends and the people you know who were travelling along the same path, are suddenly going off in different directions, following their hearts. Then here you are, suddenly randomly walking in a direction that voices outside tell you to go in. It's so frightening...because one mistake in this event of your life will cost you years or decades of unhappiness and regrets. After all those times you finally realise which path you've always wanted to take and you'll have to drop back to square 1 once again. Then again, this may only apply to some lucky ones who will then tell others "I can finally follow my heart. i wish i'd done it sooner". You think this is bad? Wait till you see those who never took action and can only say, " i could have been...if only i could turn back time and do that."

Seeing all my friends moving off in different directions, I feel even more desperate and anxious to follow suit. I don't want to lag behind. But somewhere in my heart, i know i'm not ready. i'm still lost. i'm still that little girl stuck at the crossroad...

When everyone else is fervently praying and crossing their fingers..and you don't know what to hope for :/

Submitted my uni apps but somehow i end up even more depressed than ever. For some courses, i feel like i just did it out of 'invisible' parental pressure (can't really help it if your parents go about telling you to 'think about' the course and tells everyone AS IF you already got a place). Some, i did it out of habit of my own mind...courses that i've considered all the while for years because i have no confidence to do anything else.

I wanted to do law. but i never had a good relationship with writing essays. In sec sch and JC, it was more of a chore than anything else. I always left it to the last minute becuz other subjects required more attention and i was able to crap out a surprisingly decent essay anw. But now, for the first time, i'm REALLY REALLY tempted to take it. But in the end, i put sth else becuz i think that i can't do law. But still, there's just this nagging feeling after i submitted my application. Why?

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I can do. I don't know what to look for.

I don't know what to hope for.

It's been a while since my previous post. Haven't had time to blog anyway given the amount of stress I've been dealing with since the release of A level results. lol. It's the last week of decision making and I'm still unsure of what to do (read: OMG FREAKING OUT IN FRONT OF THE COMP RITE NOW)

After weeks of thinking I thought I finally narrowed down to a few: Dentistry, Acc, Law. okay i know what u're thinking..how can my choices be so vastly different and they all happen to be rather competitive ones right? Tbh i really didn't think much about the prestige but rather i narrowed it down based on things like my interest, my strengths and job security. I've never thought of law until the thought of a double degree came about. It's not that i don't like law...it's just that i haven't had a very jolly relationship with GP and my mother tongue is somehow better than my english. I don't read harry potter books and I have a weird and true fear of the library. It was only until PW that I started to get a little used to it. But nevertheless, the thought of prawling through tonns of books looking for materials really scare me...

Maybe like what mum said...I can start off with sth that i'm better at (like math stuff) and then if i decide that law is really for me, I can pursue it ltr on in life. yep. but then again i hate the idea of wasting time if i do so. Dentistry is a good job, since my strength has always been with the sciences (bio especially) and i enjoy solving problems. I love solving puzzles and problems. Detective kind of games really get me excited!! XD haha ~~ but i guess dentistry is not really the detective kind of job. lol. It's also good that u get to help ppl, yet have work-life balance and a decent salary at the same time. Of course, u would have to put in alot of effort getting a place in the uni and passing the course. No pain no gain right?

Well, I really need to start chionging my stuff now. Ciao~

My first job (admin job) ended and I'm currently working as a cashier! :) haha busy busy. but don't know why these days i've been losing quite alot of stuff. I left my earpiece in the office on the last day and first day at cashiering i lost my nice pink pen :( Gotta take better care of my stuff these days!

Anw, the colleagues at cashiering job are nice but standing for 10 hrs really makes your feet super sore (even now my heels still hurt). But nevertheless, it is a good experience. Ytd was horrible cuz it was my first time experience as a cashier and so i messed up quite a bit with the machines (which made me super super guilty after that). Anw, it's just tiring and horrible.
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Today was much better, though there was a little trouble at the beginning of the day. I handled the invoicing while another girl was in charge of helping with the payment. We were both rather clumsy at first but ltr on in the day we became more and more proficient at our jobs and we were super fast :) haha and we even had time to chit chat a bit and find our more about each other. So yeah. Things were funny and interesting. More customers also meant that we weren't made to stone at the counter waiting for ppl to pay. yay.

Anw, finally i can take a breather tmr and think about uni stuff. Gotta settle them asap. Super tired now....gotta go sleep. Ciao~

The most beautiful start :)

Thank you!!! Thank you so much Lord and to the higher powers up there in the universe for the blessing. Thank you for my good results! Thank you for letting my hardwork pay off! I'm really very very very grateful for everything. Even though i've constantly prayed for it, i never actually thought that i could have gotten such good results...the very ones that i placed as my target at the very start of my JC life. Tbh, i'm really happy beyond words. Miracle. I've never been so happy, even happier and surprised than for my O levels. I refused to let go of my results slip...it's really more precious than gold.

All my hard work has paid off. I'm happy. All the late night muggings, endless consultations, study sessions, remedial, and extra work to chiong all the unfinished work of brushing up my foundation for all subjects...really. haha i can't believe i survived through all that. But i did. And i also want to thank all my teachers. Without their super effective trainings and effort to attend to our questions and misconceptions tirelessly. I'm really grateful. Thank you. I'll never be able to forget the little things you did to make a difference to my life. Teachers are awesome ppl.

To all my friends who may or may not be disappointed with their results, jiayou and don't give up because so long as you persevere and work hard towards your goals, you will definitely get there someday no matter what happens.

Okay. Now, it's really the end of JC life and the start of a new chapter. May we all find our true passion and path in life as the universe continues to unfold itself before us :)

I promise myself that I will not be complacent and will continue to work hard and live my life to the fullest. I will learn to be more giving and help society in my own little ways.

Hopefully I will be able to find my passion and purpose in life. And find my own place in this world :)

Let's jiayou! :D

It's been superrr long since my last post. lol. So busy. What to do :/

Anw, I FINALLY got a job. Admin one. haha now then i realise how boring it is to sit in the office the whole day doing data entry. lol. And so much inactivity makes you feel fat D:

haha and baking lessons are adding on to the weight gain. SO MANY NICE BREADS TO BRING HOME EVERY WEEK :D hehee. Anw, i'll definitely post them up once i figure out how to work the picture upload thingy. (not exactly very good with IT stuff...)

Yep. That's it for now. Gotta go sleep cuz i'm meeting brenda for our long-awaited outing tmr. Ciao! ^^

Happy valentine's day!

May all couples have a romantic day & singles like me can find their true love soon! :D

1st baking lesson today...and it was really tiring, but nonetheless, still fun and interesting. I was quite paiseh when i first entered the class, cuz everyone seemed to brought along a friend while i'm the only one standing around, not knowing where to sit. In the end, i was offered a seat by 2 nice uncles. Phew. The rest was okay. haha but i realised making bread from scratch is really hard work and i'm glad for machines to help mix the dough. Cannot imagine mixing everything manually...can get muscles from doing all that work xD Anw, brought home lots of bread and i'm happy that my family is still quite patronising to eat them. lol. To be honest, the funny caterpillar shapes that i made were quite fail...could barely see any shape and the red bean was super unevenly undistributed :P But i guess they are all the same once in the mouth. haha.
So proud of myself though. I was the only one in my group that managed to make the complicated leaf-like hot-dog bread. I'm quite good with my hands. yay! :D We also baked choco swirl, hotdog spiral, almond spiral, pandan red bean anpan bread and cheese twist. So many different types of bread right? haha no wonder the chef said that we would be having bread for dinner, supper and breakfast xD

Anw, it was a good distraction from all my recent frustrations. Still looking for a job and it doesn't help when you see your friends getting internships. So lucky. It's super rare for A level grads to get internships even before entering uni. Sighz. Pray hard and hope that I'll be able to make up my mind and get great opportunities like that. Hope for a better future.

*yawn* Okay. super tired now. Gotta go rest and then get ready for a new day! :)

Day 6 of my recovery...and the my lower jaw is still abit swollen :(

Sighz...6 days going without solid food makes me feel all jelly.
Even when i wanted to plan what to do after i recover, i could barely think properly cuz i have NO ENERGY...and it doesn't help when all you think of is sushi..spaghetti..fried rice...instant noodles..bacon......

rawr. Can't wait for my gums to heal and go back to normal. but i heard it takes at least 3 weeks before everything really goes back to normal. So i guess it's another month of pain (not to mention i still have my braces)...

Anyway, I'm just glad that it's over and i can now focus on other things. One new year resolution down. yay xD

Sedated xD

Just had my wisdom tooth surgery done this morning.

I was super nervous when i got there...and the happy banter in the dental room was not comforting..lol. But the one of the anesthesians sat down and asked me some questions, briefed me through the procedure...only stopping at the part whenby i start to get sleepy from the medication. Probably knows what happens after would be of little importance cuz i wouldn't be aware of it. I was super nervous the whole time but funny, his nice calm voice actually helped to soothe my emotions. yeah. i thought that with a nice calm voice, he would also be nice and gentle when he injected the medication.haha.

When the surgeon finally came, he briefed me about the surgery. then we went into the room. The nurse gave me a nice warm blanket. (which was awesome and nice cuz i was afraid of just lying in that scary cold seat) After that, the guy tied a band on my right hand (to my surprise, cuz i thought he would poke in the left one which has a clearer vein), and in went the butterfly-like needle. After much poking and tugging, he told me that the vein was too small. Next thing i knew, he tied the band on my left hand, sterilised the back of the hand and poked. I squealed. The needle was in place and plastered. i leaned back into the chair and.....

I was awakened by the nurse and anesthesian, as they happily shaked me and repeated, "It's over". Haha but all i thought then was "it's over? yay great. now let me get up...arrhhh..too tired." As they waved and smiled goodbye to me, all i could manage is a weak smile and constant nodding of my head. But i'm really grateful to these wonderful doctors. Thanks to them, my surgery went on smoothly and i felt minimal pain. And i underestimated the sedation. It was good. I would advise people to get it if you are willing to pay a bit more...especially if it's more than one wisdom tooth. But if it's just one, then save the money and just opt for local.

I only realised how powerful the local anesthetic was when the nurse tried to feed me with glucose (i thought it was water). I could barely feel anything and thus could barely move my mouth. After much struggling, i managed a few gulps before going back to sleep. After lying in the dentist chair for quite some time, i regained some strength and went home, walking like a drunkard until i got on a taxi.

Slept for 3 hours when i got home and spent another 2-3 hours trying to gulp down some Milo before taking medication. Now i'm enjoying myself before the pain hits me and writing down everything about today before i forget them. (an effect by the sedation. haha.)

Yep. Now i'm gonna go rest. Must take good care of myself so that i can recover faster. Even though it's sad that i won't be able to eat nice food for now, but i'll treat it as a fast slimming treatment. haha. But anw, i'm just glad that it's over.

Gambate! :D

P.S. Pardon me for any grammatical errors or if my post looks more like garbled nonsense. i can't really think clearly with the medication. lol.

"Running man" is awesome!!!! hahaha but normally i only find the 'pulling name tags off' parts funny xD This week's episode featured the snsd girls. Taeyeon and haha are such a cute couple xD Yoona wasn't as popular as i thought. lol. But anw, it's the best korean variety show i've watched so far...a nice show to relax to after a horrible week.

Tmr's the big day...omg super super nervous. As if it wasn't bad enough, the dentist pushed the appt forward by half an hour. lol. But either way, i'll need to get it over and done with, maybe having it sooner is not such a bad idea. But the thought of being sedated and out of control makes me really scared. Hopefully it will just be like "jab..sleep...wake up and find that it's over" experience. I really don't wanna know what will go on during the surgery. srsly.

Anw, i shall enjoy myself and relax and then eat all the nice food so that i can go on without eating solid food for like a week. Hopefully everything will turn out to be okay.

Gambete! :)

I have to admit, despite being a dancer...I'm such a klutz.
It's no wonder everyone says that i'm as fragile as a glass. lol.

I injured myself while running...cuz i overstrained my body due to sudden running (i haven't ran for like half a year)...scald my finger while frying bacon for dinner...AND my nose bled cuz i poked it while WASHING MY FACE. omg. When i told my mum last nite, she told me, "hahaha seriously, how did u manage to make your nose bleed while washing your face?! omg stop giving me this kind of news everyday! xD" My parents had a really good laugh over that accident ytd. *hides face in palm*

LOL. Not sure if the champagne wishing thing that dad said actually works cuz one of my wishes is to be safe and injury-free this year. sighz. Adults really like to tell white lies to kids huh? xD But i still hope all my wishes will come true haha :)

I can't get a job!!!! Thanks to the stupid wisdom tooth!!!!!!!

I don't know what i'm doing right now. Wake everyday and nothing to do. Feels so
worthless. What's the point of waking up every morning when you have no aim, no mission, no job, no assignment, no homework, no nothing to work towards?!?!!?!?!

I wake up every morning feeling like an idiot. I'm so stressed i feel like i'm gonna explode right now!!!!! YEAH. NOTHING TO DO AND STILL STRESSED. THAT'S BECAUSE EVERYONE IS GOING OFF TO WORK AND I'M STUCK AT HOME WITH NO AIM IN LIFE LIKE A BUG, A PEST. AT LEAST THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT EVERYDAY. ME? Now i hate it whenever someone asks me "how's your day" or "how's life?"...becuz i have NOTHING TO SAY. YEAH I'M FINE...SO CAREFREE CUZ I'M LAZING AROUND AT HOME DOING NOTHING YEAH I GOT NO JOB WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO.

I really don't know what i'm doing right now. Wanted to think but then i got so anxious that my mind went blank. I can't think. I don't know what to do. I feel useless. That's why i'm desperately trying to learn so many things. I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE I CAN DO. YEAH U ASK ME WHY I WANT TO SPEND MONEY LEARNING ALL THESE STUFF...BUT THAT'S BECAUSE I CAN'T EARN MONEY. THAT'S WHY I CAN ONLY DO THESE TO NOT LET MYSELF WASTE AWAY/ GO CRAZY.

I REALLY NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE IF NOT I'LL GO CRAZY.

JUST GIVE ME A JOB. ANY JOB.

Was reading some of my friends' blogs...wonder when will anyone ever read mine. haha.

They went to the supreme court! haha so cool rite. i never knew ppl can just go into a court hearing like that. lol. And yeah. the girls got their jobs and guys are having fun before getting 'tortured' at NS....and yeah. i'm still jobless :(

But i won't give up. I spent the past few days looking for jobs and upgrading myself (even learnt how to use excel ytd! ) yay. Gonna continue to find new things to learn. Feels great to be a student with her own timetable and syllabus xD

Anw, besides looking for a job, I'm gonna try to find ways that i can contribute to society...yep. volunteering :)

And gotta meet up with brenda. haha perhaps it's time to think up our grand exercise regime xD

Hopefully this holiday will turn out for the better. Ciao~

It's now 8 days into the year 2012 and I realised that many people have already reflected and written their new year resolutions..except for me. Oops.

Well, actually i can't really be blamed. For some unknown reason, things haven't been as smooth-sailing as i hoped. I fell really sick during the new year and had to endure for 2 days before seeing the doctor cuz all clinics were closed for the first 2 days of the new year. what a way to start 2012. lol.

Just as I was starting to recover, I had to go for my interview and turned up 15 mins late because I got lost. After much running and dashing across roads in my heels, I finally found the place. but guess what? I couldn't find my way into the building! That took me another 5 mins before i finally got to the interview venue. The rest went on smoothly and i reached home one hour later.

okay...many things happened after that but i shall just stop here.

Many people have found themselves a job by now, except me. I wanted to do some admin work at first, but then i'm afraid that it would me too stressful and boring for me. (haha i don't really like computers actually..unless it's for entertainment purposes)
I thought of working as a retail assistant, but there are so many companies hiring that idk how to start. If possible, I would also like to work in cafes as a waitress. lol. what small ambitions i have xD

Oh yes..i'm thinking of learning jap in a school...but it takes time and money. Maybe i should just rely on self-learn books instead.

Oh yah. I've been rambling on and on..i'm suppose to write my new year resolutions!xD

Here it goes.

1. Exercise! I have been slacking too much ever since i fractured my ankle and with all that studying for A's. Gotta get rid of the flabs and get toned up. Gonna get back to dancing soon and become a better dancer than ever :)

2. Eat healthier.

3. Become more independent. I have to stop being so shy and start becoming more street-smart. Not just book-smart. This also involves becoming more outspoken and eloquent. Guess i gotta start reading up on tips to improve my speaking skills!

4. Volunteer. Actually, ever since volunteering as a mentor last year, I realised that i'm not that cold-hearted after all xD There's acutally joy in helping others...thought i get tired easily. Anw, I need to develop abit more compassion and helpfulness this year. The problem is finding a place to contribute to.

5. Improve my skill sets. Now that academic stuff are out of the way, I can finally start to pursue my passion for learning! :) Yay! This is the most exciting part! Learn a new language, a new skill and develop new hobbies! Can't really reveal much since I'm currently in the mindst of working out the details.

6. Meet more people and widen my social circle. I've always been a loner and proud of it. cuz i'm not like other girls who constantly need many friends to be by their side, taking turns to keep her company. While having many friends is not a bad thing, but being reliant on others to keep them happy and occupied is not something to be proud of. While I can rely on myself to be happy and I have 2 BFFs that i can count on, it's time for me to learn to be more sociable.

7. Find the real me. I've always thought that i know myself well. But over these few years, I realised that inevitably, people DO change and i'm no exception. In JC, i've gone through much ups and downs, gone through new and weird experiences (like studying in a coed school). After going through so much, I feel rather unstable and insecure..like i don't really know myself anymore. During exams, i didn't have the time to do some self reflection, but since i have the time now, it's time to do some self exploration. Who knows? It might be fun. Maybe getting a job and some work experience might help in my journey :)

8. Overcome my fears and find my passion. I'm very scared of my upcoming tooth extraction and that's one of the fears i have to conquer this year (cuz i gotta go for it no matter what. no choice. lol) Finding my passion will probably tie in with the previous point. but of course, finding myself is probably a lifelong journey and i just wanna make it a concious effort from now on, instead of pushing it aside becuz of exams as in the past. Well, at least i must decide what course i want to pursue in uni.

9. Be more decisive! I skimmed through a book at a bookstore the other day and it said that being decisive is not an inborn talent but that it can be acquired as a habit of thinking. Gotta stop being indecisive from now on!

10. Be happy! That's the most important thing in life! :)

Yep. Hope that 2012 will be an awesome year for me and that i can stay happy and healthy! After all, people can only be happy and productive when they're healthy :)

Please let me enjoy tmr's class chalet! Let's have lots of fun! :D