Today's chem spa was horrible. I just hope I would be able to do well in the real spa...and that's all that's gonna matter.

Attended piano ensemble's concert today too. Mum made me wear my new clothes to event, making me appear totally overdressed. I was almost blushing as i walked across the LT to get to my seat. Good thing amos and mervyn were there.

Angie and the rest are going out tmr. sighz. I guess they won't be counting me in huh. Anyway, i'll probably not torment myself with guilt any further..should just stay at home, have a good rest and also study. It's surprising how 3 months is all it takes to change things. I used to call angie my "darling". but nowadays, I hardly talk to her anymore. Now it's about the family of sheep. They are really a bunch of awesome and nice people, but they're probably having too much fun to even care about what silent ones like me gotta say. Sometimes, joining them at the tables seem so hurting to me. I don't get the topics they're at, they hardly hear or respond to what i say...I just don't feel that much bonded to the group and i hate to pretend.

Read friend's blog and she said that she felt LONELY. It sounds almost insulting and hurting to people like me. She has so many friends to talk to, so many people to complain and whine to...and she calls herself lonely? That's just peanuts. You wouldn't be able to survive the loneliness that i have to deal with every single day in school.

Never have i thought that i would ever be afraid of solitude. It was the only constant for me ever since my childhood days. But recently, I realised that no one wants to sit next to me during lectures (whenever i sit at the end of the line, no one would sit next to me even if there were a WHOLE row of them), no one stands with me during morning assembly (no one ever moves up to occupy the space...like i'm some virus or sth), and people don't include me in conversations (most of the time i had to shamelessly "force" my way into the convo)..but I always hide these emotions, never allowing anyone see me feel hurt, put on my toughest armour...probably that's one of the reasons why school feels like my battleground. Nevertheless, I really miss having someone who would occupy the seat next to me when it's empty, someone would like talking to me, someone who would wait for me and study together with me...someone who would be there to answer my questions even at the oddest hours...

Sure, that school has the prestige, the opportunities, the resources, ...and I'm really grateful and thankful for that. But whatever happened to genuinity? Creativity? Fun? Humour? As much as I try but, sometimes i just feel like i don't belong to that world. The real world isn't like that. Even though we still keep in touch, but my bffs all seem so far away now. I really really miss them.

But i'll maintain the hope that someone true would come my way in that school.