Stuck at the crossroad

I know i'm not suppose to feel this way. But I feel forced. When they asked me if it was my choice or my parents' choice....I was shocked. Because the very first answer that resonated in my heart was 'my whole family'.

I feel so pathetic. when everyone else is doing something that is meaningful to themselves...while i'm still stuck here going nowhere. I pretend that i'm okay. I pretend that i'm not lost. I pretend that i'm satisfied and excited about the path ahead. But the truth that i realised today was..I'm not happy. I'm scared. I don't know myself. What's going on?!

University applications really scare me. Choosing a major scares me. It just feels as if all your friends and the people you know who were travelling along the same path, are suddenly going off in different directions, following their hearts. Then here you are, suddenly randomly walking in a direction that voices outside tell you to go in. It's so frightening...because one mistake in this event of your life will cost you years or decades of unhappiness and regrets. After all those times you finally realise which path you've always wanted to take and you'll have to drop back to square 1 once again. Then again, this may only apply to some lucky ones who will then tell others "I can finally follow my heart. i wish i'd done it sooner". You think this is bad? Wait till you see those who never took action and can only say, " i could have been...if only i could turn back time and do that."

Seeing all my friends moving off in different directions, I feel even more desperate and anxious to follow suit. I don't want to lag behind. But somewhere in my heart, i know i'm not ready. i'm still lost. i'm still that little girl stuck at the crossroad...